Personal Core Values
Each of us has our own set of values. These are what determine which
aspects of life we regard as important or beneficial. Our values help
determine our tastes, our way of life, our entertainment, our social,
political and religious interactions. Each of us holds many values and
these values are liable to change as we grow, reach different stages of
life or have different experiences or influences in life. Some of the
values we hold may be ‘superficial’, transitory or fitting solely the
moment in which we find ourselves. Other values are more fixed and may
stay with us through our life; these are our ‘core values’.
Our values come from a range of sources. Our parents are a key
influence upon our values as we grow as children. So, too, is any church
or religious background we experience. Our society, our neighbours,
friends and colleagues, too, can have an influence upon our values. So,
too, can our teachers and our schooling.
Often, school can be a place of conflict for it is there that we
experience other values perhaps for the first time. Some of the values
we experience in school can be in conflict with or contradict the values
of our parents. As we go through high school, we start to experience
values in ourselves and our peers that conflict both with school and our
parents. Conflicting and unfixed values can be a major problem for
adolescent and teenage years.
As we grow in years and experience, our values become more fixed,
especially a set of 6 to 10 ‘core’ values. It is these core values that
determine what is really important to us as an individual. The
surprising thing is that if you ask most people what their values are,
many would not be able to give you an answer.
A good many people are leading lives unconnected with their core
values. This can lead to a life of unhappiness, discontent and lack of
fulfilment. Sometimes it can lead to conflict. Often the person does not
know why their life seems unhappy, unfulfilled and sometimes full of
conflict. Often, the cause is that the life they are living is not in
accordance with their personal values.
For some people a conflict can arise within them because they are
trying to live a life according to the values of a company, an
organisation, a religious or political organisation, the values of their
friends or colleagues or partner, rather than living a life according to
their own core values. In doing this, the values of the other people or
organisations are being met but the person’s own values are being left
unfulfilled.
This is not to say that a person is always wrong to seek to support
and fulfil the values of other people or organisations. However, leaving
your own values unfulfilled can lead to frustration and unhappiness. A
key issue in this, though, is that the person may believe they are doing
the right thing by working to the values of others and yet still feel a
sense of frustration and unfulfilment; -the reason being that they may
be unaware of their own values or, maybe, feel guilty of their own
values where they conflict with the values of others. So, if you feel
your life is unfulfilled, unhappy, or maybe has too much conflict, then
it could be that you are leading a life that does not accord with your
core values. The question is; do you know your own personal core values?
Hiring a personal life coach can certainly help you to discover your
personal values but for those who want to start the discovery for
themselves, try answering the following question;
What, in life, is important to you?
Don’t think about your answers (yes, there’s likely to be more than
one thing that’s important to you), at least don’t think about them at
first. Just write down whatever comes into your head, no matter how
strange, amusing or worrying they may seem. These first answers are
probably your ‘gut’ or ‘intuitive’ answers; sometimes these are closer
to the truth than answers that you ‘think’ about. Next, think about what
is important in life for you. Take some time to consider your answers
before writing them down in a word or short phrase. Don’t worry if the
some of the same answers appear in your first list; - just write them
down again.
Now you have two lists. Take a look at them; is there anything there
that surprises you or anything that worries you? Sometimes people can be
quite surprised by what they write down and occasionally they may write
down something that shocks them or they feel guilty about.
Quite common words that people put on their list of values include ;
‘money’, ‘success’, ‘family’, ‘wife/husband/partner’, ‘growth’, ‘power’.
If you find one, or more, of these words on your list, ask yourself
another question;
What does (the word) mean for me?
So you may ask, ‘what does money mean for me’. To which the answer
could be; money means security, or money means success, or money means
freedom, or money means being able to provide for my family.
By answering the second question you can help uncover the real or
underlying value for you. So for you, money is not the real value, it is
‘security’ or ‘being successful’ or ‘being independent’ or ‘being able
to provide for my family’ that is the real value.
So, by doing these simple exercises, you are beginning to discover
your personal core values. The next exercise is to ask your self ‘how do
my life, my work and my relationships help fulfil my personal values?’
If you find that they do not help you fulfil your personal values then
perhaps you should consider changing your life. To do that; get a life
coach.
Douglas Woods is a qualified life coach who works with individuals
and couples seeking to improve their life or relationships. You can read
more about his work at
http://www.dougwoods.com.
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